I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
