Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
