Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
