1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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