remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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