they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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