im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
