Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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