my mouth tastes like poor choices
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
