I heard we made out
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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