Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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