It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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