gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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