you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
