Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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