I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
