I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Tell her she can't have a vagina
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Randomize
