I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
