She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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