I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Just pee around me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Enjoy the penises
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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