ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
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