she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
