Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
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Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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