we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
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