well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
