Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
