it wasn't lemon gatorade
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
