I must be too annoying 4 u.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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