idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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