she woke up with a sticky ear
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
