Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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