I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
My liver just had a heart attack.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
