just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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