My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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