The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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