My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He shit in the fireplace
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
