I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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