To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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