There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
