The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Just invented taco cereal.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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