So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
