Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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