Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
and you fell through a lawn chair
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