Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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