Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
