it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
