Small penises have feelings too.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
