shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
