false alarm. still invincible.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
