walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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