She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
