apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
