The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
