So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
