I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
