I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
