I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
