everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
